by Kip Flock
In my first year of sobriety, members of my family tried to restrict their drinking hab- its out of respect for my recovery. But as holiday celebrations unraveled, so did their restraint. “We’re proud of you,” they told me. “You can’t have one drink or ever drink again? We won’t drink around you.” Their resolve dissipated as they put their wine in coffee mugs believing that I was somehow oblivious.
Over the Fourth of July, while my aunt was inebriated, she was curious about how I was an alcoholic. My dad complained that all my uncle did was talk about how much money he was making when he drank too much. My grandmother pulled me aside and told me that she and everyone else in the family were concerned about my dad’s drinking. All the while, she was out of control with her sugar addiction.
If this scenario sounds familiar, you’re clearly not alone. Family gatherings bring together not only loved ones but also past gripes, toxic personalities, and crushed boundaries. Here are some crucial tips for surviving.
You Don’t Fail if You Bail
You have a right to protect yourself from controlling family members even if they don’t drink. Leave the gathering at a moment’s notice when your gut starts to churn. Bail out. I told myself that I should be able to handle the mayhem. Many of us get loaded in the early months of recovery because we underestimate the power of family systems. The family black that can pull us back to their obsessions and compulsions is exponentially strong.
There is no shame in taking a strategic retreat from family booze-soaked holidays until you are strong enough in recovery.
If you’re honest with yourself, you may decide to take a vacation from a few family holidays.
Keep Your Anti-Bee Venom Handy
Insulate yourself from the stings of well-intentioned family members who don’t know when they are hurting you or one another. Jealousy, rumors, and gossip swarm without mercy at family holidays. Jim went to Thanksgiving at his mother’s house without support from sober friends. He got drunk and passed out in the mashed potato bowl. Fortunately, he got back into recovery before the family hive sent him onto the anaphylactic shock of an active addiction. Keep your phone support list readily accessible.
Make plans to call your sponsor and recovery friends at prearranged times. Make your calls when you are aware of any distress and before you think you need to. Remember that you don’t have to wonder if you’re uncomfortable enough to call for help.
Make Your Own Holiday Preparations
Anticipate pitfalls before arriving at the holiday gathering. Ask family supporters to agree on limits for your sobriety— reducing people, places, or things that could set you up for relapse. Don’t expect them to anticipate your recovery needs. Kelly’s mom popped the cork on a wine bottle a week after her initial sobriety date. She wanted to toast Easter. Even though Kelly didn’t pick up a drink, she was incredulous that her mom could be so inconsiderate. Kelly realized that she needed to be more proactive in protecting her own recovery.
Unless they are in recovery themselves, our family members just can’t get it.
Ask people not to offer you alcohol or encourage you to participate in alcohol-related rituals. Agree to have nonalcoholic beverages handy. Get your own drink, and keep it in your hand. Limit the subjects of conversation. Tell nosey relatives, “I’m choosing not to talk about that.” Be clear that you refuse to solve all the family problems. Let someone else flush the family’s emotional toilet. Limit the time you spend at the old family home. Shorten your length of stay. If your usual stay is two weeks, make it one week. You might need to stay overnight at a hotel or at a friend’s house near the family hoopla to give yourself some space before reentering the whirlwind. You can always invite a recovery buddy to help you weather the family storm.
Be Your Own Camp Director
Plan for activities at your own pace that are relaxing and fun both at the family holiday site and outside family campgrounds. Leslie’s dad was relentlessly planning family activities at a breakneck pace with no rest for the weary. She felt guilty saying no to him, fearing that she would ruin everyone’s good time. Give yourself permission to imagine how you would like to enjoy your family holiday. Call ahead, and let people know your schedule before you arrive.
Your sobriety is precious. Planning ahead to survive your family’s toxic rituals so that you can attend holiday celebrations is a sacred testimonial to your love for them as well as to your own safety.
Along with a private psychotherapy practice in Lewisburg, Pa., Kip Flock offers coaching and training for individuals, professionals, and organizations to implement change and increase performance.
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