Married Under the Influence

By: Harmony Rose

Harmony Rose is the author of "Married Under The Influence," a finalist for The National Indie Excellence Award. She is also the wife of a recovering alcoholic, and a mom and step-mom. She and her family hope to spread the message of hope to everyone searching for it.

You're Not Crazy

Aug 20, 2015

When I speak to people who are in a relationship where alcohol is present, one of the most common questions is, “Am I crazy”?  The answer is no. The disease wants you to believe that, and that is how you begin to become as sick as the addict in your life.

One of the most emotionally damaging things that an alcoholic does is blaming -- it is always going to be someone else’s fault.  While they are deep into their disease they will not accept responsibility or be held accountable for anything they do. The addict has no way of comprehending the reality of a situation because they are too clouded by the disease.

This happened in my own alcoholic marriage. Everything could be good between us, but because he had a strong desire to drink he would begin an argument. I was the “bait.” I would get hooked in, and we would argue, which became his excuse to leave and go drink. All this was just making me feel crazier.

This type of lifestyle, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, now that is the definition of pure insanity. Until an alcoholic seeks help for themselves and begins to work a program this crazy wheel will never stop. When you live this life it is so easy to lose yourself, and you don’t even realize it until one day you look in the mirror and say “who are you, what the hell happened to me?”  You become an enabler; you lie; you do whatever it takes to protect your alcoholic. But what we don’t see in the moment is that we are hurting them by doing that. We are helping to keep them sick.

But it is not your fault, no matter what you’ve been told. When you are told for years that something is your fault you begin to believe that somehow you are to blame. If only you didn’t make him so angry he would be home, if only the house was cleaner, if only you showed him more love, if only, if only…. The if only’s never stop and this becomes the crazy part in your head, believing that it is somehow your fault.  

Once I really began to understand that alcoholism is a disease did I finally find the answers and validation I was looking for. It wasn’t my fault after all, and it really wasn’t exactly his either.



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Bob  1740 days ago

Very helpful article for both dealing with an alcoholic and also just everyday life. People will consistently try to blame others for their own actions. As the author says, it is not your fault, very powerful words to keep in mind!

Lisa Ricchetti  1741 days ago

She's absolutely right. I've been on both sides of the coin.

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